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mystical crisis (once again)

* Fuck you for rejecting me by never Being There, fuck you for making me feel shit about myself, fuck you for fucking bleeding The love and life out of me ( ...) Most of All to fuck you God for making me love a person Who does not exist. *

I go back down the path of us. In the dark I see nothing but I advance because I know you're up there. My heart is beating too hard, my legs hurt, all the weight of my body weight on the steep slope. But I advance because I know you're up there. I walk between the drops of sweat, cramps and my stomach is too empty, I move forward ever faster, I climb, claw me to twist my feet and arms into holes. I walk without stopping, I swallow the stairs and degrees of dirt road. It's dark but I go, eager to find you there. I walk, I run and I waste my remaining strength but still I advance because I know you're up there, head rose into the night, to the twinkling stars and city lights. I walk, I breath and I breathe, one step after another and I expect the final meters. Last straight line, the last hell last climb even longer last effort before resting. Last steps before you. A few steps further, a few steps before the above, you last on the heights overlooking me. I walk because I know you're there. I advance, I'm, I'm looking eyes. And you're not there. You're not there.

Then I light a cigarette and contemplates the city. And smoke flew to another up there where you expect surely. Where you probably expect.

And I do not know, I wonder. If I would have to go up faster if I would have the rest or slow down the pace.

And I do not know, I wonder. If this time I would crush me down to join you where you do not expect.